I’m Sorry

Something I have learned about this road to healing is just this, the abuse is just always lingering. There is always something from the abuse that continues to follow you into adulthood. For me that is “I’m Sorry”. I say it like it is a “Hello”. I feel guilty when I can’t do something for someone so I apologize for it a thousand times. I feel like I must have a great reason. What I am saying is I have never felt my feelings, my well-being, my thoughts, or my life was worthy of being put first. I felt in order to be loved I had to put everyone else ahead of my own.

See I spent most of my childhood worried and scared that the next move would have serious consequences. Don’t wake up your step-dad because that will lead to at a minimum him being a grump all day or getting yelled at first thing in the morning. Don’t bother your mom because she has been at work all day and you are the last thing she wants to hear when she gets home from work. Make sure your chores are done because that will land yourself into a whole HEEP of trouble. Of course you can’t say no to the people who are sexually abusing you. Yes you are right you just read PEOPLE not Person. (Another story for another blog)

All lead to me apologizing, feeling frustrated and later angry. I felt like I was unimportant, unworthy, and unloved. The bad thing is this spilled over so much that it controlled my life. I pushed people away because it was just easier than being hurt by them. I have filled that void with food causing me to be overweight! I have tried to just avoid the world basically.

However when I would get brave enough to let the world in, I found myself feeling the need to please. I never say NO WAY for fear of hurting my friends. I always worry I am an inconvenience to friends and family. If I call you I will most likely apologize before I hang up at least ONCE. If I do say no to your request I will fret over it for days with my husband. Then when I have had enough of something and I blow up I am considered being dramatic, when in truth I have taken a lot of crap off a lot of people and finally had my ‘nough!

However I am learning this is not just a ME thing, this is common among most that are abused. It is part of the shame, broke spirit and inadequacy that we feel. It really has nothing to do with the people around us, just that we are afraid of being a bother. The last thing I want to do is intrude on someone’s life. Be a burden to a friend.

This is hard to break, I am working on it but it takes time. But remember sometimes you have to reach out of your comfort zone to start living your life again! I tell my daughter every time she does that she is taking some of her power back, now I find it is time to take some of that back for myself.

Triggering PTSD***TRIGGER WARNING***

57b3cb1ca766367eb24d06f614c295b2I wanted to take a moment to write about something that happen to me last night…   Me and the Hubby decided that while we had a moment we would watch a movie… Hubby had already started “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” .  We had heard it was a good movie.  Well it is a GREAT movie.

However there is a serious rape scene in this movie… to the point that I was holding my ears and fighting a panic attack… This is the harsh reality that we face with PTSD, as much as we want to “get past it” you just never will.   Triggers are gonna be there, things are gonna be overwhelming, and I am just never gonna be able to handle rape scenes without being triggered… I guess that good thing is I didn’t go into a FULL panic attack.  That is something I can say “YIPPEE” over, no seriously I am saying “YIPPEE”.  I hate those damn things.. They get a hold of me and it feels like I am literally dying.

People make light of this and tell me that I am in control of my emotions, I just need to learn how to keep it together.  Well I tell ya what buddy, SHOW ME HOW! People think we fake it for attention, that we want to have them, that we just won’t let the past be the past, and we bring this on ourselves.  UMMM yeah bc I asked to be molested.  OH WAIT society says I did bc I had big boobs at 14 that made me appear as a woman, therefore giving him the right to violate me..  So yes I will just accommodate all YOUR feelings and GET OVER IT!

Guys this is not realistic nor is even close to helpful for you to say stupid things that you think will make us feel better.  You won’t understand unless you have lived it.  What it is like to have a GROWN man (a pervert a pedophile) climb on top of your body and touch you and force you to do things that no woman or child should be forced to do to anyone against their will.  Everyday we get up just trying to believe that today is the day we might feel normal.   We look normal, but normal is far from what we feel inside.

For me imagine a car topping out at top speed, yup that is where my brain is at most of the time.  Imagine the things that abusers say to their victims, yup that is what I say EVERYDAY to myself! Imagine being unable to come to your home town because their are triggers of dirt roads he took your innocence on, and every time you start towards that part of town your heart beats fast and you feel like you just might puke.  YUP that is me.. Yup that is what is going on in my head.  So the next time you hear of a Child Sexual Abuse Victim who is a grown adult still suffering from trauma think about what you are saying before you say it.  The next time you hear of a soldier doing something in rage think about what he/she must be dealing with before you judge them.  PTSD IS SERIOUS, PTSD IS NOT CONTROLED it controls YOUR every move, thought, decision and reaction.  You are no longer the same person, you become a person with PTSD and anxiety issues that are bigger than anything you have ever had to deal with and your angry that it has so much control over YOU.  Everyday you’re just trying to put one foot in front of another and when you make to the end of that day with little to no issue then you celebrate with a nice cocktail of medications that help you sleep.  Oh they didn’t tell you that PTSD survivors usually relive their trauma in their sleep, meaning we usually suffer from lack of sleep because we don’t want to sleep.  As any new mother can tell you sleep deprivation can make you irritable and cranky at best.  Giving you a less that personable personality.  So try to empathize, try to respect personal boundaries, and try to leave the judgment at the door… We have enough to worry about then to have to worry about how you are feeling.

Fact:

-80% of abused children meet the diagnostic criteria for at least one psychiatric disorder at age 21 (including but not limited to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and eating disorders).  http://www.aswllp.com/CM/SexualMolestationAbuse/Long-Term-Effects-Of-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse.asp

Trying to make Sense out of Non-Sense

I was married in 2001 and I was 19 years old to Kevin.. I thought I knew what love was and I thought I was in love… HAHAHA OH how young and dumb I was… First of all I was NOT emotionally ready to be married to anyone… I married for the wrong reasons, even though I never seen it at the time.   He wasn’t a bad man, but neither one of us were equipped for what it meant to be married… I think that is what triggered things. 

Our  marriage started to fall apart in about 2004 and in 2005 I started having these crazy dreams that I knew were NOT true.   They were coming every single night like clock work. I would wake up freaked out because it was so disturbing.  The dreams depicted my stepfather raping me.  I knew he had never done that to me, as that is not the kind of man he is no matter his flaws when I was a child.  Every night though I closed my eyes and there would be the dream.  It made me have anxiety attacks both day and night.. One day driving home from work I had a COMPLETE panic attack and don’t know how I even got home.  My friend came and picked me up, drove me to the ER because she was afraid it could be something more major it was such a bad panic attack.  The more the dream came the more I panicked, the more i panicked the worse my anxiety was all day.  The dreams made no sense to me and trying to make sense of them was frustrating.  I felt there was a message I should be getting, little did I know that the message they were sending would send me into a dark place I would struggle with for a long time to come.

One night I went to bed and in came the dreaming.  Only this time the dream wasn’t my step dad.  That night I opened the door to my grandmothers house and BAM there he was, GENE! He chased me all through my grandmothers house in my dream, laughing this laugh that was just eery and sick.  See my grandmother’s house was built to where each room kinda opened into another, like a big circle.  It felt like I couldn’t get away.  Little did I know that is just the fact of sexual abuse.  You never are truly gonna get away from what has happen to you, the choice is learning to cope with it. 

When I woke up from that dream all I could do was cry, as every single dirt road and violation came tumbling back to me.  UGH as I type that I can feel the panic set in, funny how it still to this day sends me into a little bit of discomfort..  I remember telling Kevin and there just not being much of a reaction from him.. By this time we were pretty disconnected.. But I decided it was time to tell my mom.  Secrets would eat me up otherwise.  So I told her, of course she was devastated and many other things.  The only person I couldn’t bring myself to tell was my biological dad.  I wasn’t ready for that just yet for a lot of reason.  Mostly I was scared of his reaction.  Would he blame me? So I put that off for a later date. 

I divorced and remarried a great man named Chris. We started a family together and got custody of his youngest daughter.  Things seemed to be going well. I was still thinking “I GOT THIS” but that would be tested. The unthinkable has happened and everything has changed.  Chris and I will never quite be the same, neither would our family.  We would look at people more skeptically and trust would be forever broken!

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