Something I have learned about this road to healing is just this, the abuse is just always lingering. There is always something from the abuse that continues to follow you into adulthood. For me that is “I’m Sorry”. I say it like it is a “Hello”. I feel guilty when I can’t do something for someone so I apologize for it a thousand times. I feel like I must have a great reason. What I am saying is I have never felt my feelings, my well-being, my thoughts, or my life was worthy of being put first. I felt in order to be loved I had to put everyone else ahead of my own.
See I spent most of my childhood worried and scared that the next move would have serious consequences. Don’t wake up your step-dad because that will lead to at a minimum him being a grump all day or getting yelled at first thing in the morning. Don’t bother your mom because she has been at work all day and you are the last thing she wants to hear when she gets home from work. Make sure your chores are done because that will land yourself into a whole HEEP of trouble. Of course you can’t say no to the people who are sexually abusing you. Yes you are right you just read PEOPLE not Person. (Another story for another blog)
All lead to me apologizing, feeling frustrated and later angry. I felt like I was unimportant, unworthy, and unloved. The bad thing is this spilled over so much that it controlled my life. I pushed people away because it was just easier than being hurt by them. I have filled that void with food causing me to be overweight! I have tried to just avoid the world basically.
However when I would get brave enough to let the world in, I found myself feeling the need to please. I never say NO WAY for fear of hurting my friends. I always worry I am an inconvenience to friends and family. If I call you I will most likely apologize before I hang up at least ONCE. If I do say no to your request I will fret over it for days with my husband. Then when I have had enough of something and I blow up I am considered being dramatic, when in truth I have taken a lot of crap off a lot of people and finally had my ‘nough!
However I am learning this is not just a ME thing, this is common among most that are abused. It is part of the shame, broke spirit and inadequacy that we feel. It really has nothing to do with the people around us, just that we are afraid of being a bother. The last thing I want to do is intrude on someone’s life. Be a burden to a friend.
This is hard to break, I am working on it but it takes time. But remember sometimes you have to reach out of your comfort zone to start living your life again! I tell my daughter every time she does that she is taking some of her power back, now I find it is time to take some of that back for myself.