57b3cb1ca766367eb24d06f614c295b2I wanted to take a moment to write about something that happen to me last night…   Me and the Hubby decided that while we had a moment we would watch a movie… Hubby had already started “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” .  We had heard it was a good movie.  Well it is a GREAT movie.

However there is a serious rape scene in this movie… to the point that I was holding my ears and fighting a panic attack… This is the harsh reality that we face with PTSD, as much as we want to “get past it” you just never will.   Triggers are gonna be there, things are gonna be overwhelming, and I am just never gonna be able to handle rape scenes without being triggered… I guess that good thing is I didn’t go into a FULL panic attack.  That is something I can say “YIPPEE” over, no seriously I am saying “YIPPEE”.  I hate those damn things.. They get a hold of me and it feels like I am literally dying.

People make light of this and tell me that I am in control of my emotions, I just need to learn how to keep it together.  Well I tell ya what buddy, SHOW ME HOW! People think we fake it for attention, that we want to have them, that we just won’t let the past be the past, and we bring this on ourselves.  UMMM yeah bc I asked to be molested.  OH WAIT society says I did bc I had big boobs at 14 that made me appear as a woman, therefore giving him the right to violate me..  So yes I will just accommodate all YOUR feelings and GET OVER IT!

Guys this is not realistic nor is even close to helpful for you to say stupid things that you think will make us feel better.  You won’t understand unless you have lived it.  What it is like to have a GROWN man (a pervert a pedophile) climb on top of your body and touch you and force you to do things that no woman or child should be forced to do to anyone against their will.  Everyday we get up just trying to believe that today is the day we might feel normal.   We look normal, but normal is far from what we feel inside.

For me imagine a car topping out at top speed, yup that is where my brain is at most of the time.  Imagine the things that abusers say to their victims, yup that is what I say EVERYDAY to myself! Imagine being unable to come to your home town because their are triggers of dirt roads he took your innocence on, and every time you start towards that part of town your heart beats fast and you feel like you just might puke.  YUP that is me.. Yup that is what is going on in my head.  So the next time you hear of a Child Sexual Abuse Victim who is a grown adult still suffering from trauma think about what you are saying before you say it.  The next time you hear of a soldier doing something in rage think about what he/she must be dealing with before you judge them.  PTSD IS SERIOUS, PTSD IS NOT CONTROLED it controls YOUR every move, thought, decision and reaction.  You are no longer the same person, you become a person with PTSD and anxiety issues that are bigger than anything you have ever had to deal with and your angry that it has so much control over YOU.  Everyday you’re just trying to put one foot in front of another and when you make to the end of that day with little to no issue then you celebrate with a nice cocktail of medications that help you sleep.  Oh they didn’t tell you that PTSD survivors usually relive their trauma in their sleep, meaning we usually suffer from lack of sleep because we don’t want to sleep.  As any new mother can tell you sleep deprivation can make you irritable and cranky at best.  Giving you a less that personable personality.  So try to empathize, try to respect personal boundaries, and try to leave the judgment at the door… We have enough to worry about then to have to worry about how you are feeling.


-80% of abused children meet the diagnostic criteria for at least one psychiatric disorder at age 21 (including but not limited to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and eating disorders).